So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
