Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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