Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize