I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
