I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
