If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
