You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
