Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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