mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
