I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
