my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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