I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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