What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
