I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
