I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
