see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize