My nipple is on Facebook.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
