I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You ruined the universe
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
