Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize