Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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