dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
