Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
