Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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