I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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