and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
