Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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