Kareoke will never be a sober sport
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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