Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
