We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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