Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
