I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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