Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
