I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
