Pregnant stripper...not hot.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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