Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
