I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
