Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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