I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
