did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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