I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
