Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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