I smell stomach acid.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
