Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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