We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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