I think my vagina is haunted
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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