Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
