Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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