Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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