Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize