if only i could text you this smell
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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