It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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