I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
