This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
