Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
