Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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