I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
