That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
