I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize