just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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