DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
