I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
