Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
