my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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