Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
